Ask Sophie - intuitive life coach

FAQ's

 

Q: Can you love someone when you don't love yourself?

Ans: Yes, it's possible. However it just leads to severe imbalances in the relationship.

 

If we have limited self love then we only have limited capacity to receive and accept love from others. This can lead to misunderstandings, frustrations and emotional distance. It is hard for a person's love to reach us if we are not open to it. Perhaps worth exploring why you feel so unworthy and unlovable? Recognise that these are merely emotions and not truths or part of you in any way. Those who have problems loving themselves actually learned this damaging habit from their past. Perhaps it was from emotionally distant or overbearing parents? Do you remember feeling terribly rejected by your guardians? When were are continually exposed to much negativity whilst young, we carry these wounds into adulthood and find it hard to impossible to love ourselves. It was something that simply wasn't taught, accepted or tolerated. Even as adults we struggle to shake off these experiences and feel empty and meloncholic, despite our achievements.

 

 

A relationship with another should never be your sole source of love and happiness. And if it is then we are truly living a limited existence. Being able to love and accept yourself raises your self esteem, attracts more love into your life and grows your ability to love others even more. Only by loving yourself can you fully love another. Therefore I recommend that you start loving yourself as if you were loving a partner. Become your own best friend. Practice kindness, patience and forgiveness toward yourself. Allow yourself to get in touch with the raw hurts of your past without judgement. Know that by releasing and emptying these emotions you will learn that they never served you nor were they ever your master.

 

Don't stop a relationship when you're feeling this way but do invest time in developing a stronger sense of self love in tandem.

Sophie x

 

Q: I'm really attracted to other people but I'm in a relationship. What should I do?

Ans: Firstly I'd like you to be honest with yourself and question why you are tempted by another? Contrary to belief, our temptations have nothing to do with the person we're with but unresolved issues within us. If we truly wanted to be with someone else, it would be a no brainer. We wouldn't want to continue our existing relationships any longer. Even if kids and joint finances are involved. Our emotional freedom would be compromised if we remained in loveless unions. It would be a terrible burden on our heart. The fact that you have raised such a question demonstrates an awareness that such a dilemna doesn't feel right. And how right you are.

Explore why you are attracted to others. Perhaps you are seeking approval, an ego boost or to escape some insecurities? I was once in the situation of desiring many men and I knew in my heart it was to compensate for some past hurt and rejection from a previous relationship. I wrongly believed that the more partners I had, the more validity I had as a person. I wanted something external from myself to make me feel powerful when in reality I was feeling weak and pathetic. Sometimes our lusty feelings are driven by a neediness and unworthiness. And sometimes we subconsciouly push our partners away because of a fear of being hurt again. 

Secondly, ask how would you feel to end the relationship with your partner? They certainly brought many wonderful things to your life otherwise you would've ended things some time ago. If you still love them then I would advise you to speak to them about the issue and try to work through it together. Either way, deep introspection is needed and only then will you be able to make the right choice for you.

Sophie x

 

Q: My partner cheated on me and I cannot move past it. Will I ever learn to trust again?

Ans: Trust has been destroyed and quite honestly it can be hard to rebuild. Hard but not impossible. Please do not blame yourself for their cheating - it was a selfish and irresponsible act. Nobody can drive one to cheat, no matter what your actions. Some people have more integrity and moral fibre than others. That doesn't mean to say that we should blame our partners for what they did as it was certainly motivated by their inner demons that have nothing to do with you. 

In order for the relationship to recover, honesty needs to be established between the two of you. Your partner needs to seriously investigate the dark emotions that caused them to stray and if willing, seek counselling on that matter. True remorse and repentence needs to be forthcoming from them otherwise you'll just live in constant fear and suspicion and your partner will be likely to repeat the same behaviour. After all they got away with it once?

You need to allow yourself to feel the emotions of betrayal, anger and sadness. For your partner to expect you to carry on as if nothing happened is adding further insult to your injury. They need to accept that what they'd done was wrong and destructive. Cheating is terribly selfish because we commit this act without any regard for what our partners may think and feel. Therefore you will need to fully process the extent of the damage in order to bounce back and potentially trust again. I strongly recommend that you do your emotional clearing in private. I can provide some tips on how to do this. Projecting your emotions onto your partner simply adds more fuel to the fire and ironically only provides them even more justification for doing the dirty on you! Try writing a letter to them instead, explaining how it's made you feel and how you are struggling to trust them again. Let them know that you want to regain trust however you will need their assitance on that matter. If your partner is in denial of the problem or dismisses your apparent pain then perhaps consider whether this is a relationship worth continuing?

Sophie x

 

Q: What do you do when your significant other doesn't believe in you?

 

Ans: Firstly understand that this has more to do with their own issues rather than you. I've been in a similar situation and it can be soul destroying at times.

 

Perhaps your SO has deep insecurities or enjoys having the upper hand. Whatever the case, please do not take it to heart. They are being emotionally cruel and clearly do not have your back. Perhaps they are not even aware of what they are doing?

 

I recommend that you lick your emotional wounds and calmly explain to your SO about how their attitude is affecting the relationship. How can you grow closer to someone who undermines you?

 

If your SO loves and cares about you then they will understand how you are feeling and will take appropriate action. If they justify or minimize the problem please take it as a major red flag.

Sophie x

 

Q: My girlfriend lies to me constantly. How do I deal with this?

Ans: I admire your quest for honesty and truth. It seems that your girlfriend probably got punished somewhere in her past for telling the truth and so her lies are now a knee jerk reaction.

Forgive her but make it clear that you do not wish to be lied to anymore and that if she keeps it up then she truly doesn't trust or love you. Explain that you can handle the truth and she needs to trust that. If she continues to lie then you might need to consider parting ways for a while until she sorts out that issue.

Lies are a means to control. Being economical with the truth/distorting truths are actually quite devious because you are pretending to be something that you are not therefore restricting another's ability to make fully informed decisions concerning you.

Sophie x

 

Q: Why do people so often chase down impossible love and reject good, stable relationships?

Ans: Because of unhealed emotional injuries within us. Everybody knows that smoking can kill and yet a portion of us still do it. It has nothing to do with logic but emotion. Unhealthy relationships and attachments are driven by emotional wounds, not logic. People who select partners who are unavailable often have a deep sense of unworthiness and inadequacy. Even if you truly loved someone, you would never need to chase them. And if they truly loved you back, they wouldn't need to be chased by you either.

Sophie x

 

Q: At what point should I give up on someone whom I love but hurts me constantly?

 

Ans: How much more pain and humiliation can you tolerate before completely destroying your spirit?

The situation will only become more painful and by then the damage to your heart will be greater. I recommend that you reflect on EVERY hurtful thing that's happened to you during this relationship and allow yourself to feel the hurt, anger and sadness. Every time somebody hurts you = all the times they didn't love you. Only then will you be able to make the right decision for you.

Sophie x

 

Q: My boyfriend physically abused me. Is this forgivable or should I leave? He justifies his actions and minimizes the severity of the issue.

Ans: Your story really saddens me for your boyfriend clearly doesn't love or respect you. Love doesn't make any excuses for physical violence. The fact that he tried to minimize the extent of his brutal actions screams denial of responsibility and numbness to your feelings and suffering. He has crossed the line and if you loved yourself you would leave him immediately.

Your emotional, mental and physical wellbeing is way more valuable than that. I believe in forgiveness however I don't believe in sticking around especially if someone shows little restraint or remorse in their actions. You need to develop more self love and not tolerate any such abuse regardless of your feelings towards your boyfriend. If you cannot bring yourself to attack another human being then why make allowances for him?

Perhaps you should find yourself somewhere safe to stay and be away from him and allow yourself to reflect and recover first and foremost?

Personally I think such matters should be raised with the police...

Sophie x

 

Q: Should I stay in a relationship with my girlfriend if there aren't any fireworks but we are best friends and very compatible?

 

Ans: I'm glad that you dated your best friend - kudos to you! In relation to the lack of fireworks, perhaps ask yourself what you truly feel about romance and your partner?

 

I'm guessing you share/shared some intimate moments however it isn't as fulfilling as you'd wish it to be.

There could be a billion reasons as to you why there aren't any sparks. Firstly I would like you to consider whether you have any issues with intimacy?

Sometimes we fear opening up sexually in our best relationships because on a deeper level we are afraid of being hurt, rejected or spoiling the friendship. How do you truly feel about yourself? How does your partner feel about themselves?

Perhaps the way you view each other needs to be redefined. Learn to see each other romantically again; as passionate and sexual beings. Sometimes relationships fall into a rut because we stop valuing the fascinating things we saw in each other initially. Could it be a case of too much familiarity? Perhaps taking some time apart for introspection is required before taking drastic action.

Whatever the case, be brave and bring it up with your SO. Explain that you value the relationship but would like to feel more chemistry. Work on the issue together. Give it your best and if it doesn't work out part as good friends.

Sophie x


 

 



 

 

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Love, Life and Destiny Guru

Dating, Relationship and emotional wellbeing Advisor

Motivational Speaker

Heavy tea drinker

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