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A Narcissist is nothing more than a mental antagonist; they lure you in with little titbits of concern/kindness before they pull the old bait and switch, leaving you completely stunned and paralysed.
And yet, they feel entitled to your unconditional love. They feel deserving of your generosity and forgiveness; regardless of the fact that they fail to bestow any such qualities on you. A Narcissist is always a taker and never a giver.
You're left scratching your head and looking for explanations but challenging their ways just leads to more unanswered questions as the Narcissist forever dodges the bullet. Nothing fears the Narcissist more than having their persona under the microscope. Although being the successful manipulative liars they are they'll always have various tricks up their sleeve, waiting in reserve to allow the slimy Narcissist to slip away unscathed. Narcissists are very hard to pin down, unpredictable and unnervingly evasive.
And they do an awfully good job of making you look bad. They make you feel guilty for bringing up their past as though your need to talk about it, is as questionable as the crimes they commit! Narcissists have a lopsided view on morals; they are never accountable for their own wrongdoings. Everybody else is wrong and everybody else is to blame.
I'll use one of my own experiences as an example: A psychic once believed that I was a bad child, which sent my mother's wrathful mindset into overdrive and I was subject to horrific and senseless beatings. There was nothing to support the psychic's suspicions and my mother knew that. My mother was actively looking for reasons to demoralise me but she dumped the blame on the psychic. This is blame shifting. They will blame anyone apart from themselves, they'll even blame you. Everybody to the Narcissist is a scapegoat.
They will point blank deny all accusations or paint their warped interpretation of events and maintain that odd air of aloofness just to rile you even more. It's a corrupt move which prepares more instant gratification for the Narcissist as they extract more supply by agitating you for a reaction. The Narcissist takes delight in being able to illicit emotions – positive or negative so long as it reaffirms their control over you. Blame shifting leaves you self-doubting, confused and exasperated. It's an illogical mind game designed to undermine you in every way.
What they are doing is not harmless. It's not innocent play. Instead, it is something we shouldn't take lightly or take pity on the Narcissist, because they are and always have been in full control of their faculties. We're talking about control freaks after all. Control freaks who feel above reproach and entitled to cross all social norms and boundaries. They are ruthless murderers of morals; respect for others, integrity and compassion. For, these are the very things that the Narcissist is sorely lacking and has contempt for!
Narcissists are chronic party poopers, spoiled brats and malevolent controllers. They cannot stand the happiness of others; they enjoy raining on your parade; they deliberately keep everyone in the dark about their underhand affairs (should you ever find out, God have mercy!), and they will never give you validation. Any kindness they dole out is puny and often few and far between. Trying to receive a drop of clarity or sincerity from them is like trying to draw blood from a stone.
So when it comes to a Narcissist and their blame shifting; do not accept anything but the absolute truth. Anything else, aside from a confession of their dark motives, is white noise. By tolerating or excusing them of their blame shifting, we are compromising our feelings, values, mental health and enabling the cycle. We are talking about repeated insidious acts, not an isolated incident. It is about time that we challenge the Narcissist's MO. For every time their behaviour goes undetected, another victim suffers.
Blame shifting also runs the risk of affecting your emotional and physical wellbeing. It sends you on a never ending tailspin, on an endless quest for answers when the real answers lie within the Narcissist, purposefully hidden for your destruction. Blame shifting (no matter how trivial) plants seeds of doubt and poisonous thought processes, needlessly distracting your focus from more rewarding and important tasks. It drains you of all your precious resources as your mind works tirelessly trying to get answers, solutions and closure. Your personal wellbeing starts to take a backseat and everything including your health is on the slide. Anxiety, lowered self-esteem and sleepless nights take over. Meanwhile, the Narcissist is quietly chuckling to themselves in the knowledge that they're the centre of your universe. Narcissistic abuse is a heavy burden to bear and can cause long term suffering to it's victims, sometimes for many years to come.
Not only is Blame Shifting detrimental to you; as it invalidates your intelligence, feelings and denies closure. It's also counterproductive to the Narcissist! It inhibits their ability to go within and accept full responsibility for their mistakes, stunts their personal growth, keeping them enslaved in this juvenile delinquent state. Blame shifting is a double-edged sword; justice is withheld and the Narcissist is trapped in their self-invented prison.
And that is why blame shifting is a crime. It's a crime against integrity, humanity and love. Blame shifting ends up benefiting no one as the Narcissist's victims eventually tire, fight back or leave. Consequently, the Narcissist never grows any capacity to experience true happiness and the longer they continue to play their games, the darker their world becomes.
So, if you stand for love, compassion and sanity then you must protect your universe from these heartless destroyers. They have no conscience and there are no limits to how much or what they will take from you!
Narcissism is a personality disorder, it is not a mental illness that can be treated with medication. The Narcissist is fully conscious of their condition and chooses to exercise their will in the most destructive manner. They cannot be fixed because they do not believe they are broken. So the more a Narcissist remains unchanged, the faster and farther should you run.
There is nothing wrong with loving them but please do so from a safe distance, for your own sake. You will never be heard and you can never save them. And neither do you need the reminders of the past or to bear witness to future offences.
The more contact you have with these people, the more withdrawn, isolated and hopeless you'll become.
Understand that you are not alone or going out of your mind. There are thousands of sufferers bearing the battle scars, still coming to terms and recuperating from the volcanic aftermath of Narcissistic abuse. I know it's hard to comprehend that there are people who could be so hateful and malicious. And I know it's even more disturbing that these people may happen to be your supposed; family members, your partner, your friends or even your own children! However, we need to stop overcompensating for or justifying their villainous behaviour. They are the ones that need to be held accountable for their deviant inclinations.
Accept that blame shifting is another form of abuse. It's another tool in the Narcissist's arsenal used to disarm, control and injure. It's unintended to serve you in any way. Dismiss your Narcissist's attempts to deploy logic and reason against you and trust your feelings. A person who genuinely loves you would never want to hurt you; minimise your feelings or stand by their venomous words / action.
Speak up! You don't need to suffer in silence anymore. This is the time to reach out, join support groups and speak to an empathetic counsellor / therapist.
We need to heal and forgive ourselves for falling for their tricks time and time again. Just because we've become their prey doesn't mean that we're stupid - quite the contrary!. Narcissists target those who are intelligent, logical and empathetic, but because they lack any integrity they use these wonderful traits against us! In fact, there are a million good reasons why you were chosen. So, please don't beat yourself up. You possess truly special qualities which are the envy of all Narcissists, which is why they want to destroy you.
We can take some comfort in the fact that we are the strong ones. Despite the hell they put us through we will always have a greater ability to love and experience real happiness than they ever will. Reclaim yourself, reclaim your power and stand by your morals. If they aren't with you then they are most definitely against you! Don't feel sorry for the Narcissist as they are not the real victim here - you are!
Blame shifting is cowardly, psychologically damaging and only adds more insult to your injuries. Do yourself a favour, develop zero tolerance for blame shifting; honour your hurt feelings and when the time is right, make that decision to end your turmoil by leaving the Narcissist to rot.
If the above resonates with you and you wish to explore a personal matter further, please feel free to contact me for a friendly consultation.
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Love, Life and Destiny Guru
Dating, Relationship and emotional wellbeing Advisor
Heavy tea drinker
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